For sale...

Going cheap.....

One overtired snarky 5 yr old who insists that all he'll eat for the past 2 days is cheese and crackers...

He's angry at the United States Air Force because the Thunderbirds did not fly directly over our house today and therefore he couldn't see them properly....

He is not speaking to his brother because he dared to do homework when instead he should have been watching him play flappy poo fish or some other such insanity on the ipad....

He's mad at me because I won't let him sit in the car in the driveway with the ac on to watch movies...

Also he's pissed that the game ninja fruit poo flappy carrot jump (or whatever it's called....)  isn't playing the way he thinks it should, my suggestion he take it up with the game developer was not taken well.....

Oh and I suggested he may perhaps be tired "NO,  I'M NOT TIRED!!!!!"......

Excellent, he ate nutella off a spoon....so very healthy & filling & omg I'm going to go hide......

And then she said.....

The past 24hrs seem to have presented itself with an unusual amount of strange conversations in my house.....

In the parking lot of a certain sporting goods store...

Mai - Are the Dicks bigger here or in Virginia do you think ?

Me - Well, the Dicks here are pretty big, but remember that huge one in VA....

Inside aforementioned sporting goods store...

Me - Do you need a sports bra for volleyball ?

Mai - I don't know...?

Me - Well, do your juggies jiggle when you jump ?

Mai - Bwahahahahahaha

From the back of my car....

Friend of Mai - Have you ever pulled a big hair out of your butt crack ?

Mai - WHAT ? EWWWWW? NO?

Discussing tomorrows lunch plans...

Me - We'll bring a picnic

Cal - We'll have to find the cooler

Me - If we make sandwiches in the morning they'll be fine

Cal - I like my meat cold

Me - BWAHAHAHAHAAHA

Cal - omg....

Making a snack....

Finn - I can cut the cheese myself

Me - Why don't I help

Finn - Wow, you're really good at cutting the cheese...how did you get so good

Me - Well I've been cutting the cheese a lot longer than you have...

Interview with a 5yr old...

Finn turned 5 this weekend, obviously now he's a very wise young fella so I caught up with him this afternoon to ask some very important questions....

Me: Good afternoon Finley, how are you ?

Finn: Fine...

Me: Can you tell us what your favorite color is ?

Finn: Gold

Me: What super power would you want and why ?

Finn: To be strong, so I could beat Batman

Me: Do you have a girlfriend ?

Finn: No

Me: What is your favorite song ?

Finn: Minecraft style

Me: Can you show me your favorite dance move ? 

Finn: Sure

Me: What's your best joke ? 

Finn: It's a knock knock joke..

Knock Knock 

Who's there ?

Mountain

Mountain who ?

Mountain head (laughs hysterically)

Me: What is your favorite food 

Finn: Nutella and bread

Me: What car do you want when you are bigger and why ? 

Finn: A gold limbo (limo) because they're cool and have lots of space to fit people

Me: If we could have a pool full of anything what would you choose ? 

Finn: Candy

Me: What is your favorite toy ?

Finn: My Bowser car

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Finn: A stuffed animal man

Me: What is your favorite number and why? 

Finn: 1 million because it's the highest I've counted too...one zero zero

Me: Ummmm that's one hundred

Finn: They're the same

Me: If you could be any animal what would you be & why ?

Finn: A bunny, they hop high

Me: Who is your best friend

Finn: Finn (his friend at school, not himself!)

Me: What is your favorite TV show ?

Finn: Ninjago

Me: How many brains do you have ?

Finn: Two, there's a mind brain & a big brain

Me:  Can you explain that to me ?

Finn: No

Me: How were you born ?

Finn: I hatched out of an egg

Me:  How old am I ?

Finn: 22

Me: Where does Santa live ?

Finn: In the North Pole, it's safe for him there

Me: What makes you happy ?

Finn: Feeding chickens at the zoo

Me: What makes you sad ?

Finn: When you guys are mean to me (note..disagreeing with him is considered mean)

Me: What do you like best about Callum ? 

Finn: He can beat up Sissy & I help

Me: What do you like best about Maisie ?

Finn: That she lets me into her room.....sometimes

Me: What do you like best about Mommy ?

Finn: Baking chocolate chip cookies with you

Me: Can you describe your perfect day ?

Finn: Bacon for breakfast, play games, a nutella and bread for lunch, build puzzles, spaghetti and meatballs for dinner

Me: What time would your bedtime be ?

Finn: 6.30

Me: roflmao....

Finn: are we done ?

Me: yes, thank you for your time :)

Interviewer - Momma

Photographers - Momma & Maisie

Sideline hecklers - Maisie & Callum

Anyone got a heat lamp we can borrow ?

It started out so innocently...a project seen on Pinterest, science and fun all rolled into one....and then we went shopping!

I'll set the scene for you, the pet store is next to the Natural Grocer store which was our ultimate destination but when a cute boy bats his eyelashes you agree to the pet store first...we cruised by the rats, birds, fish, watched doggy daycare and then he batted his eyes again and we went to see the cats...

I've recently developed a mild cat allergy, no biggie unless there's 15 of them in an 4x10 room and then well.....it's a biggie! I lasted about 3 minutes and came out looking I had a serious drug habit, eyes watering, nose running, rubbing my nose like a crazy person...you get the picture!

And off to the Natural Grocer we went, the Natural Grocer in Colorado...a state where certain things that are illegal elsewhere might just be legal!  I'd now started itching all over my face...of course I couldn't find what I needed so had to ask for help....this is how that went down!

Me - Hi, can you tell me where I can find wheat grass seeds ?

Guy - Sure, follow me, what are you growing them for ?

Finn - We're growing weed grass...

Guy - ?????

Me - Wheat, honey, not weed (itching nose like a maniac)

Finn - I said that, we're growing WEEEEEEEEED grass...

Guy - ????????

Me - It's called wheat grass not weed, that's something else and we're not growing it....(scratch, itch, sniff)

Finn - UGH...mumble....WEED...mutter...GRASS...mumble...in a POT...

Me - Wheat grass and we are growing it IN A POT....(scratching face off)

Guy (now looking at the scene in front of him very suspiciously) - Here it is....how much do you need ?

Finn - We need a lot, we're growing weed grass for a project....

Me - (ready to be cuffed and taken to jail) Just one packet please.....

Guy - Can I help you with anything else ?

Finn - I want a snack do you have chips Momma can I have chips I need a snack I'm hungry Momma can I get a snack ?

We politely ditch the guy and head in search of snacks.....of course the guy then gets moved from helping crazies to being the only freakin' register open...

Finn - Momma, do you have the pot ?

Me - (smiling weakly, scratching like a lunatic, muttering something about don't you just love kids) What pot ?

Finn - The pot for the weed grass....

We made it home without being busted for anything and got to work on project "lets grow WHEAT grass in cute containers to nestle Easter eggs in to look pretty" 

Waiting....I told him it grew fast....big mistake!

(Yes he's wearing a collared shirt and dino pj pants....I don't ask anymore)

And then Cal & Mai arrived home...

Finn - Look what we did, we're growing wheat ? (YES!!!)

Cal - Been playing a little too much Minecraft ? (Evidently they grow wheat in minecraft...)

Mai - WHAT ? Did he say you're growing weed ?

Me- O.M.G. WHEAT people....WHEAT!

Mai - Jeez...ok!

So to clarify....we are NOT growing weed, grass or pot...there is nobody or nothing going by the name Mary Jane in my house, nor is Aunt Mary visiting...

Since then our wheat has flourished, Finn likes to wake me at 7am to tell me how much it grew overnight..

I won't lie when I say I'm a smidge concerned by conversations he may be having with his teachers regarding this project...

Parent teacher conferences are next week...I'm sure no matter what it will be interesting..

Seriously it grew 1/4" in 4hrs!

So if you're thinking this looks like a fun kid project....it is...I just suggest going alone to buy those seeds!

Seasons of Lego....

I dedicate this post to my BFF Kathryn and her family, whom we miss dearly but we are reminded of them every 30 seconds as I step on lego swords and curse the day I ever said yes to the question "Would Finn like Michaels legos...?"

Inspired by Seasons of Love from the musical Rent, I give you....

Seasons of Lego, by Heidi 

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred legos

Five hundred twenty-five thousand legos so sharp

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred legos

How do you measure, measure the blocks?

In good guys, in pirates,

In threesies, in blocks of Fo-ur,

In flat ones, in windows, in peg legs, in wheels

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred legos

How do you measure, a box of legos?

How about lego?

How about lego?

How about lego?

Measure in lego

Seasons of lego

Seasons of lego

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred legos

Five hundred twenty-five thousand spaceships to build

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred legos

How do you measure the life of a legooooooo man?

In truths that she learned (we have too many legos)

Or in times that he cried (where is the cowboy hat?)

In bridges he built

Or the way that she died (bleeding lego fingers)

It's time now, to sing out

Though the lego never ends

Let's celebrate

Remember a year in the life of lego friends

Remember the lego

(Oh, you got to, you got to remember the lego)

Remember the lego

(You know that lego is a gift from hell)

Remember the lego

(Share lego, give lego, build lego)

Measure in lego

(Measure, measure your life in lego)

Seasons of lego

Seasons of lego

(Measure your life, measure you life in lego)

Selfie alert!!!!

Sometimes when you've had very little sleep and your sleep aide kicks in just before you attempt to wake up your day might not go as planned...

Around 4.30 you might have an overwhelming need to lay on the couch or risk falling asleep wherever you happen to be...

Sadly 4.30 is also when you're supposed to start dinner and your 4yr old gets his 4th wind of the day...

And so you text your older children (teenagers, they're always scullking in their rooms) a simple message...

"HELP"

Miraculously they both appear, (ok so one realized half way down the stairs there was no real emergency and had to be texted 345 more times to show up) and through slurred words you explain that you're done for the day...they are in charge!

The conversation had a highlight of a new word being invented

"assitude"

Assitude: ass-eee-tood:  the ability to be a smart ass and have an attitude at the same time.

"I don't need to hear your smart assitude, thank you very much"

It is then that aforementioned 4yr old kicks into hyper drive, "want to play candy land/hi-ho-cherry-o/bonopoly/cards/hide and seek ?" and you pull out old faithful "Want to play on Mommas phone ?".

Later that night when you get your second wind, obviously right before bed so you're not tired and the whole damn vicious circle can start again you might check your phone, close out 136 apps you didn't even know you had but that 4yr old sure does and look at photos....4yr old photos...

O.M.G.

It starts out fairly standard, I have about 67,971 of these Thomas and friends coloring pics on my phone...

Ah, portraits of the army he was building by the fireplace...

Rescuebots! (Yes my Christmas cards are still up...and my Valentine decorations...and our chalkboard still has a turkey on it and says Happy Thanksgiving....we did put away the Halloween doormat though)

And then he finds the photo app......

ARGH....two Finns!!!!!

Finley Minecraft style...

You won't like me when I'm angry!

Channeling Andy Warhol

Ummmmm?

And then we enter the "DEAR GOD WHAT THE HECK IS THAT" portion of our show!

I'm watching you!!!!

Is it just me or does this one bring a whole new meaning to the phrase butt face ?

I want to say what this looks like, but I just can't bring myself to do it....

And finally my favorite, the one that almost made his brother wet his pants, the one that scared friends on FB.....

Perhaps they're casting for a new Stephen King movie and need some crazy 4yr old psycho star!!!!!!!!

P.s. And no the Zzzquil didn't work last night either, but it could have been the thought of you know who sleeping in the next room that did it.....