Internet bad ass.....

I've never really been described as a bad ass....maybe a couple of times during heated arguments with a soon to be ex husband when I actually found my voice & stood up for myself but in general...not so much!

In the past month or so  I've had occasion to feel a little bad assay/assy/assie ?????

First there was the FB "friend", really an acquaintance, one of those "if we weren't in these circumstances there's no way we'd be friends" friends....we all have them, they send you a friend request, you feel obliged to accept, you instantly regret it but you're already in too deep & to unfriend would cause drama...

This "friend", lets call them Betty & I seriously have nothing in common except our country of birth, Betty seemed ok at first, a little odd but generally I embrace that in a friend, makes me seem less of an absolute wacko! But then Betty got comfortable.....too comfortable....when I supported Gay Pride month, Betty went all fire & damnation preaching on my post, I fought back...called in backup from friends who fought too but Betty wasn't going down without a fight....bible verses were thrown, a fair amount of foul language was used, but I love a good "discussion" as much as the next person, so as much as what Betty wrote made me want to spit fire in their face I moved on...you're entitled to your opinion, albeit a sexist/racist/stupid one.

Betty then threw down with a post about guns....it said "Over 50 times more students die on campus from binge drinking and drugs than from shootings....still think guns are the problem" I politely, yes really....replied with "If my child dies from a drug overdose or binge drinking that was my childs doing, they chose to take those drugs or drink. If my child is murdered at school in a shooting that was not their choice, that was another persons choice to kill my child....so yes I do think guns and the people that use them are still the problem"

And that was my bad ass moment....the moment I posted that on Bettys wall....the moment several of Bettys friends liked my post....the moment Betty had no answer....BOOYA! And then Betty blocked me :) Not an unfriend, we know too many mutual people....but a block, a "I can't handle this chick and her comments" block....because maybe, just maybe Betty....you know I'm right...mwahahahahaha!

I don't have any pics of me looking bad ass....this is a pic of my baby bad asses last week...they were being gangsta....(yup, told you, just not real badassy people...lol)

My second bad ass moment came this week....when my comment on a local mom board was removed!

Seriously....I'm telling' ya....watch out....just call me Katniss, I'm a girl on fire!

The post was about how a school, I believe in Australia had banned children from doing cartwheels on the playground or in PE because of the dangers...the question was "What do you think about this?"

Are.you.kidding.me.

When I was in elementary school we used to do cartwheels and handstands up against a wall wearing dresses to show the boys our knickers....these days I'd probably be labelled a whore as well as a rebellious bad ass for doing that, you know those days of the week undies in the 70's were so sexy!

So....I wrote,

"Seriously ? Why don't we put each of our kids in a bubble before we send them off to school for the day, this is just ridiculous"

The post stayed there for a while, I checked a couple hrs later to see if anyone else had commented...and then suddenly...BAM! my post gone and all the bubble parents responses of, oh yes cartwheels are so dangerous remained!!!! 

I'm so glad I'm not a bubble parent, my kids are so glad I'm not a bubble parent & they secretly like that I'm a bit of a bad ass every now and then....go ahead kids, do cartwheels, climb rocks, jump off stuff, drink beer in college (in moderation of course)...be gay, be straight, support your friends, be who you want to be, be kind, don't hurt people.....

But most of all, be a little bad ass every once in a while :)

And then she said.....

The past 24hrs seem to have presented itself with an unusual amount of strange conversations in my house.....

In the parking lot of a certain sporting goods store...

Mai - Are the Dicks bigger here or in Virginia do you think ?

Me - Well, the Dicks here are pretty big, but remember that huge one in VA....

Inside aforementioned sporting goods store...

Me - Do you need a sports bra for volleyball ?

Mai - I don't know...?

Me - Well, do your juggies jiggle when you jump ?

Mai - Bwahahahahahaha

From the back of my car....

Friend of Mai - Have you ever pulled a big hair out of your butt crack ?

Mai - WHAT ? EWWWWW? NO?

Discussing tomorrows lunch plans...

Me - We'll bring a picnic

Cal - We'll have to find the cooler

Me - If we make sandwiches in the morning they'll be fine

Cal - I like my meat cold

Me - BWAHAHAHAHAAHA

Cal - omg....

Making a snack....

Finn - I can cut the cheese myself

Me - Why don't I help

Finn - Wow, you're really good at cutting the cheese...how did you get so good

Me - Well I've been cutting the cheese a lot longer than you have...

What's new pussycat ?

In life there are some things you just can't unsee...the lady at your sons old preschool with ginormous boobs who wore somewhat cropped tops & preferred to be braless or when the tiny hole in your brothers pj pants turns out to be not so tiny as he bends over in front of you...

Other things just make you think "WHAT THE F#@$"

And that is the category today's post falls into....

It started earlier in the year, Cal & I were wandering Target and I saw leggings...Mai needed leggings so I went to inspect the options a little closer...

I give you WHAT THE F#@$ exhibit A

"Nice whiskers"

I'm sorry but that strategically placed white tiger is WRONG....just WRONG!!!!

I sent Mai the pic and offered to purchase them but she assured me I didn't need too....

Fast forward a couple of weeks and now Mai and I are cruising Target....

WHAT THE F#@$ exhibit B

Me: OMG MAI LOOK!!!!!!

Mai: omg leggings with pussy cats on them...

Me: Snickering....omg they're pussy pants...

Mai: (thinking...thinking...) OMG THAT'S BAAAAAAAAAAD

Oh dear God the little kitty tongue......

And these were in the kids section!

These two discoveries inspired a quest for other inappropriate cat items...the next  item was not clothing.....but was equally disturbing, I give you

WHAT THE F@#$ exhibit C

Yes...you read that correctly...

CRAFTING WITH CAT HAIR!!!

HOW GROSS IS THAT!!!!

Collect a mound of cat hair....omg....gag!

And yes...we found it at the library!!! And because I'm a smidge cruel I put it on hold and then sent Cal in to pick it up.....lolololol.

The saddest part is that it's now overdue & I owe a fine on this gem!

omg, nice mound of pussy hair you've got there...

omg just read that out loud & now can't stop laughing...

YOU TOO can create a portrait of your kitty with it's own hair ??????

Christmas gifts for all....pussy mittens...snort...omg, it's too much!

Alas we do not have a cat, perhaps I should consider buying this instead, I'd borrow it from the library but it was already checked out of ours!!!!!!!!

Knit your own cat!

If you happen to be the lucky owner of a feline friend and you're feeling crafty then Barnes and Noble to the rescue!

Crafting with cat hair....meow!

And no conversation like this would be complete without my favorite Christmas ornament spotting of 2013...no Christmas tree is complete with the

CHRISTMAS BEAVER!

Perhaps if you're talented enough you could knit a beaver from your pussy cats hair....

If you do....I want to see!

Anyone got a heat lamp we can borrow ?

It started out so innocently...a project seen on Pinterest, science and fun all rolled into one....and then we went shopping!

I'll set the scene for you, the pet store is next to the Natural Grocer store which was our ultimate destination but when a cute boy bats his eyelashes you agree to the pet store first...we cruised by the rats, birds, fish, watched doggy daycare and then he batted his eyes again and we went to see the cats...

I've recently developed a mild cat allergy, no biggie unless there's 15 of them in an 4x10 room and then well.....it's a biggie! I lasted about 3 minutes and came out looking I had a serious drug habit, eyes watering, nose running, rubbing my nose like a crazy person...you get the picture!

And off to the Natural Grocer we went, the Natural Grocer in Colorado...a state where certain things that are illegal elsewhere might just be legal!  I'd now started itching all over my face...of course I couldn't find what I needed so had to ask for help....this is how that went down!

Me - Hi, can you tell me where I can find wheat grass seeds ?

Guy - Sure, follow me, what are you growing them for ?

Finn - We're growing weed grass...

Guy - ?????

Me - Wheat, honey, not weed (itching nose like a maniac)

Finn - I said that, we're growing WEEEEEEEEED grass...

Guy - ????????

Me - It's called wheat grass not weed, that's something else and we're not growing it....(scratch, itch, sniff)

Finn - UGH...mumble....WEED...mutter...GRASS...mumble...in a POT...

Me - Wheat grass and we are growing it IN A POT....(scratching face off)

Guy (now looking at the scene in front of him very suspiciously) - Here it is....how much do you need ?

Finn - We need a lot, we're growing weed grass for a project....

Me - (ready to be cuffed and taken to jail) Just one packet please.....

Guy - Can I help you with anything else ?

Finn - I want a snack do you have chips Momma can I have chips I need a snack I'm hungry Momma can I get a snack ?

We politely ditch the guy and head in search of snacks.....of course the guy then gets moved from helping crazies to being the only freakin' register open...

Finn - Momma, do you have the pot ?

Me - (smiling weakly, scratching like a lunatic, muttering something about don't you just love kids) What pot ?

Finn - The pot for the weed grass....

We made it home without being busted for anything and got to work on project "lets grow WHEAT grass in cute containers to nestle Easter eggs in to look pretty" 

Waiting....I told him it grew fast....big mistake!

(Yes he's wearing a collared shirt and dino pj pants....I don't ask anymore)

And then Cal & Mai arrived home...

Finn - Look what we did, we're growing wheat ? (YES!!!)

Cal - Been playing a little too much Minecraft ? (Evidently they grow wheat in minecraft...)

Mai - WHAT ? Did he say you're growing weed ?

Me- O.M.G. WHEAT people....WHEAT!

Mai - Jeez...ok!

So to clarify....we are NOT growing weed, grass or pot...there is nobody or nothing going by the name Mary Jane in my house, nor is Aunt Mary visiting...

Since then our wheat has flourished, Finn likes to wake me at 7am to tell me how much it grew overnight..

I won't lie when I say I'm a smidge concerned by conversations he may be having with his teachers regarding this project...

Parent teacher conferences are next week...I'm sure no matter what it will be interesting..

Seriously it grew 1/4" in 4hrs!

So if you're thinking this looks like a fun kid project....it is...I just suggest going alone to buy those seeds!

Selfie alert!!!!

Sometimes when you've had very little sleep and your sleep aide kicks in just before you attempt to wake up your day might not go as planned...

Around 4.30 you might have an overwhelming need to lay on the couch or risk falling asleep wherever you happen to be...

Sadly 4.30 is also when you're supposed to start dinner and your 4yr old gets his 4th wind of the day...

And so you text your older children (teenagers, they're always scullking in their rooms) a simple message...

"HELP"

Miraculously they both appear, (ok so one realized half way down the stairs there was no real emergency and had to be texted 345 more times to show up) and through slurred words you explain that you're done for the day...they are in charge!

The conversation had a highlight of a new word being invented

"assitude"

Assitude: ass-eee-tood:  the ability to be a smart ass and have an attitude at the same time.

"I don't need to hear your smart assitude, thank you very much"

It is then that aforementioned 4yr old kicks into hyper drive, "want to play candy land/hi-ho-cherry-o/bonopoly/cards/hide and seek ?" and you pull out old faithful "Want to play on Mommas phone ?".

Later that night when you get your second wind, obviously right before bed so you're not tired and the whole damn vicious circle can start again you might check your phone, close out 136 apps you didn't even know you had but that 4yr old sure does and look at photos....4yr old photos...

O.M.G.

It starts out fairly standard, I have about 67,971 of these Thomas and friends coloring pics on my phone...

Ah, portraits of the army he was building by the fireplace...

Rescuebots! (Yes my Christmas cards are still up...and my Valentine decorations...and our chalkboard still has a turkey on it and says Happy Thanksgiving....we did put away the Halloween doormat though)

And then he finds the photo app......

ARGH....two Finns!!!!!

Finley Minecraft style...

You won't like me when I'm angry!

Channeling Andy Warhol

Ummmmm?

And then we enter the "DEAR GOD WHAT THE HECK IS THAT" portion of our show!

I'm watching you!!!!

Is it just me or does this one bring a whole new meaning to the phrase butt face ?

I want to say what this looks like, but I just can't bring myself to do it....

And finally my favorite, the one that almost made his brother wet his pants, the one that scared friends on FB.....

Perhaps they're casting for a new Stephen King movie and need some crazy 4yr old psycho star!!!!!!!!

P.s. And no the Zzzquil didn't work last night either, but it could have been the thought of you know who sleeping in the next room that did it.....

Anatomically correct states....

Finn is learning about States in preschool, it's VERY exciting....we've pulled out maps and state puzzles at home, he's coloring states at school, pointing them out in the giant map rug at the library...like I said...VERY EXCITING!

He's getting better each day at naming them and knowing where they go, he's had Colorado, Virginia, Texas and California figured out for a while so we're working on the others...he's added the Seattle State to his list of ones he knows this week....he's a bit excited for the Superbowl!
Go Broncos!

So today after he had put in his mandatory 30 minutes temple run play time, he moved on to puzzles as I cleaned the kitchen....

Finn: Mooooooooooooooom
Me: Yes
Finn: Where does the penis state go ?
Me: Ummmmm....the what?
Finn: THE PENIS STATE
Me: Florida ???
Finn: No the one with the penis
Me: Well Florida looks a bit like a penis are you sure it's not that one ?
Finn: No it  doesn't look like a penis, there's a picture of a penis on it!
Me: (in my head) What freakin' puzzle did I buy my 4yr old that has a penis on it ??????
Finn: Mooooooooooooooooooooom...which one is it ?
Me: Can you bring it to show me...?
Finn: Ugh, fine.....mumble mumble Mom doesn't know the penis state....

And this is what he showed me....

The PEANUTS state....

We are now working on our pronunciation of peanuts so as to avoid any number of snack food awkward situations.....

I like my "peanuts" salty!.......Do you have jumbo "peanuts"?...... Lets open up a can of "peanuts"

You get the idea!

Being bilingual!

I grew up in a far off land....ok it was England but judging by the price of airline tickets these days it's a very very very far off land!

My kids have grown up bilingual with English and American and most of the time don't even bat an eyelid when something terribly English comes out of my mouth. I grew up in Yorkshire, well know for it's delightful dialect (think Daisy and Mrs Patmore from Downton Abbey). When I married my Ex my Mum gave him a Yorkshire phrase book to help, it most definitely came in handy!

There are days however when I realize my kids aren't quite as bilingual as I think they are...like today!

It all began with a game of rhyming dominoes that Santa brought us for Christmas, poor Finn was confused from the start, since when do straight candy cane and rooster rhyme ???? When you're in England of course!

And when your teens overhear the conversation unaware of what you're doing it just adds to the fun...

Finn: I can't go

Me: Yes you can, match the colors and you'll find something that rhymes with cock

Cal: Ummmmmm....what are you playing ?

Finn: I found one but it's a candy cane, candy cane and cock don't rhyme

Cal: Are you sure that's an appropriate game for Finn?

Me: In England this isn't called a candy cane, it's a stick of rock and rock rhymes with cock

Cal: SERIOUSLY!!!! Will everyone stop saying that word...

You pay bail to get someone out of jail, which would work in American rhyming dominoes, but our bail is the little wooden piece on top of the cricket stumps...knock that guy off and you're out!

Serious concentration....(funnily enough the English name for a matching game)

Frustration....(also a game...known as Trouble in the US!)

I will say that strap threw me off...I mean that's clearly a belt but evidently this game was originally created for badly behaved children who recognized it as a strap they were beaten with....

I love that the bat is a cricket bat too, maybe Santa can bring us a cricket set this year and we can confuse Finn even more...

All in all I think the English 101 lesson went "reet gud with our Finn", I am however thankful that he no longer goes to preschool on a farm like he did in VA or the phrase "look look I see a big cock" could have landed us in some hot water!