Selfie alert!!!!

Sometimes when you've had very little sleep and your sleep aide kicks in just before you attempt to wake up your day might not go as planned...

Around 4.30 you might have an overwhelming need to lay on the couch or risk falling asleep wherever you happen to be...

Sadly 4.30 is also when you're supposed to start dinner and your 4yr old gets his 4th wind of the day...

And so you text your older children (teenagers, they're always scullking in their rooms) a simple message...

"HELP"

Miraculously they both appear, (ok so one realized half way down the stairs there was no real emergency and had to be texted 345 more times to show up) and through slurred words you explain that you're done for the day...they are in charge!

The conversation had a highlight of a new word being invented

"assitude"

Assitude: ass-eee-tood:  the ability to be a smart ass and have an attitude at the same time.

"I don't need to hear your smart assitude, thank you very much"

It is then that aforementioned 4yr old kicks into hyper drive, "want to play candy land/hi-ho-cherry-o/bonopoly/cards/hide and seek ?" and you pull out old faithful "Want to play on Mommas phone ?".

Later that night when you get your second wind, obviously right before bed so you're not tired and the whole damn vicious circle can start again you might check your phone, close out 136 apps you didn't even know you had but that 4yr old sure does and look at photos....4yr old photos...

O.M.G.

It starts out fairly standard, I have about 67,971 of these Thomas and friends coloring pics on my phone...

Ah, portraits of the army he was building by the fireplace...

Rescuebots! (Yes my Christmas cards are still up...and my Valentine decorations...and our chalkboard still has a turkey on it and says Happy Thanksgiving....we did put away the Halloween doormat though)

And then he finds the photo app......

ARGH....two Finns!!!!!

Finley Minecraft style...

You won't like me when I'm angry!

Channeling Andy Warhol

Ummmmm?

And then we enter the "DEAR GOD WHAT THE HECK IS THAT" portion of our show!

I'm watching you!!!!

Is it just me or does this one bring a whole new meaning to the phrase butt face ?

I want to say what this looks like, but I just can't bring myself to do it....

And finally my favorite, the one that almost made his brother wet his pants, the one that scared friends on FB.....

Perhaps they're casting for a new Stephen King movie and need some crazy 4yr old psycho star!!!!!!!!

P.s. And no the Zzzquil didn't work last night either, but it could have been the thought of you know who sleeping in the next room that did it.....

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

There's really no denying it, my body is a stubborn bastard...it does what it wants, it doesn't listen to what I want it to do, this is evident in several areas such as when I dance, play sports, walk in heels and my favorite (note heavy sarcasm) sleep!

There was a time in my life, lets call it my dark period, sounds more artsy than that time of my life when my world was crashing down around me and I sort of sat there like a sloth....when I took a little pill to help with sleep, ambian was my friend, we hung out every day....and then we didn't and it was sad :(

And then my body decided that just to mess with me it would listen for a while and that sleep was good, so so good, songs could have been written about it good.....and then it stopped and it was sad :(

A good friend sent me an article on dealing with insomnia, there was a test to see if you had it, its always fun to score high on tests, just not insomnia ones...or that time Maisie aced the "do you have ADD inattentive" test....

The article gave helpful tips on sleeping..

Your bedroom is for sleep and sex only....crap....maybe I should start renting out the room for extra money as neither of those are taking place in there..... 

Turn off all stimulating activities before bed including tv and computer...WHAT!!!! I'm not getting the sex that I'm supposed to be getting in tip #1 and now I can't have my bedtime fix of Sister wives or the Kardashians either ????? Not fair!

Avoid naps....Nap ? I'm not sure I understand this one....what is a nap ?

Make sure your bedroom is dark, quiet & cool...open a window if necessary to let in a breeze....ok, yes, yes and most of the time, however if I open a window I perhaps risk hypothermia or frost bite..

No caffeine.....bwahahahahaha, this article was NOT written by a single parent....

I'm supposed to try relaxation techniques too, one of which is progressive muscle relaxation, they obviously have not heard about my crunchy muscles and back, my back muscles don't relax, unless there's shock therapy electrical stimulation being used and that might go against the no stimulating activities rule, then again it might count as kinky sex because if you turn it up too high it hurts so good!

And so yesterday whilst browsing the cough medicine aisle for something for Finn that wouldn't make him projectile vomit and would hopefully stop the spittle laden coughing fits that were going on I saw it.....

Angels sang, there was a biblical light shining on it AND it was on sale with my trusty Walgreens card....

I waited till I was feeling sleepy, my legs were twitchy, it was time for bed...right after the pairs ice skating (secretly wanted the Russians to win, I liked their routine and outfits better). I popped the little purple pills and hopped into my dark, quiet, cool not stimulating bed...and waited...and waited....and waited...

NOTHING!

I finally feel asleep but it most certainly wasn't the restful sleep that Kathryn Heigl gets in the commercial....I was scammed, tricked, $10 down the toilet...until about 5am, when suddenly I felt that warm and fuzzy feeling that comes with deep sleep......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP 

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!

Yup, it's 6.10, time to wake up! If you've ever tried to wake up shortly after a sleep aide kicks in you'll know it's about the same as trying to swim through a pool of jello, it's just.not.happening. I lay, drooling, trying to remember how to walk when I got the following text from Maisie..

"I don't feel good I feel like if I move my stomach might burst open it really hurts"

(we don't like punctuation at 6.15am)

I managed a "go back to bed" text and closed my eyes, thankful that Cal only bothers me to say he's leaving in the morning and I didn't have to get up...until..

"MOMMMMMMAAAAAAA"

Time check said 6.18, what the f@$%!!!! I stumbled/rolled/fell like a drunk trying to hold herself up at the bar into Finns room...

"I had a dream and I'm hot"

I assured him he was fine, or at least thats what I  think I said, who really knows, checked for fever, warm but ok, drooled a little, muttered something about sleeping more and staggered back to bed..

I think Finn got up around 8, I remember attempting to put the password into the ipad at some point and either it rained in my room or someone sneezed on me a few times....there were a few "Momma, I'm hungry" "Ok, I'm comi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" until 9, when it got more desperate "Momma, I'm going to starve". 

So here I am, jacked waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up on caffeine, already knowing that tonight will likely be a lost cause because I'm already breaking the rules, parts of my body still feel a little numb and asleep..maybe if I take the zzzquil with lunch, this will be me at 10pm!

Children update : Finn is feeling fine, no fever, still hacking up spittle laden cough balls but happily watching some weird ass Mario Bros show Cal found on Netflix yesterday after already doing several puzzles, asking approx 35469 questions and reorganizing his playmobil guys...Mai ate some toast and so far has not exploded.

Did Colorado score a goal yet?

We live in Colorado now, therefore we cheer for the Broncos....it's in the rules, I believe it's part of the Colorado residency exam.

Being as I'm a Brit I don't have a home team as far as American Football goes, in the past when forced to choose, I'd choose the Packers for very obvious reasons 

Green Bay Packers = GB Packers = GB = Great Britain = Me

obvious I tell you....

But now Colorado is home so GO BRONCOS!

Alas choosing a team to root for and watching said team does not automatically mean you have any clue as to whats going on....I think, and lets emphasize the THINK there that I have the whole downs and yards thing figured out, Cal is our teacher, I have no idea how he knows this stuff....

Me: Ok, so the Seahawks go first and they have to try and go 10 yards without the Broncos getting the ball from them?

Cal: Basically...

Me: And if they don't go that far then the Broncos take a turn?

Cal: Well, they're not exactly taking turns...

Me: Ok, I think.....

Finn is a HUGE Colorado fan, he's very specific that they they are just known as the Colorado Broncos and not the Denver Broncos...

It's also not the SuperBOWL, it's the Super BALL..

Finn: It's called the SuperBALL not they Superbowl, the play footBALL not foot BOWL and they use a BALL not a BOWL....

Duh! 

(He didn't say duh, but you could tell he was thinking it along with what a bunch of morons we are for saying Superbowl!)

I was surprised Finn hung in for the whole game....Mai asked if she could switch which team she was cheering for after the first touchdown, in accordance with Colorado law she was banished to her room from that point on!

The games first highlight for myself came in the shape of this fine specimen of a man

Finns highlight was of course THE TOUCHDOWN!!!! aka known as "the goal"

Doing his touchdown dance!!!

However the REAL highlight, the one that resulted in manic screaming, hyperventilating & the sheer joy that even if Mr. Beckham had streaked across that football field he couldn't have got me more excited was this....

OH MY GOD!!!!!! 

JACK IS BACK!!!!!!!!

Cal thought I was having some sort of seizure I'm sure....

Cal: Ummm, who is Jack ?

Me: He's Jack Bauer......he's a badass...

Cal: Ok

Me: Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas!

Cal: Ummmmmmmm....

OMG IT'S JACK

I LOVE JACK!!!!!!!!!

So basically, all Superball thoughts were ditched once that commercial aired, calculators were used to figure out how Cal and Mai could get caught up on 192 episodes of 24 before 5/5/2014, Netflix was researched....there's a plan, it may involve a lot of caffeine, bed sores from sitting on the couch for 192 hrs and lots of screaming!

Oh, so the Superball......well, I guess we lost, I think it's more a case of we got completely and utterly SPANKED but real fans don't ditch their team because they lost right, if that were the case I'd have given up on Sheffield Wednesday decades ago...

Our favorite meme was this one....

Lol, Sorry Peyton......

And for any Americans confused as to why the Brits struggle to understand the game, I share with you this...Cal quoted it through the entire game.....so so so funny.

P.s. 

JACK IS BACK

(in case you hadn't heard)